Celibacy yay or nay?

Sex is a massive subject in today’s world. It’s extremely important in most relationships (if not all). After watching the episode of Ndani TV’s Phases (S2E8) where Sukanmi announced his celibacy, I began to think about what other people’s experiences were like.

I asked my Instagram friends the same question that was asked at the end of the episode, “does celibacy make a relationship stronger?”, and of course, most people said no, so I decided to speak to some of the people in the minority, the “YES” group.

I took my time to release this post because I didn’t want to come across as preachy or judgemental or whatever, but as I began putting the piece together, the reasons for writing it became a lot clearer. I thoroughly enjoyed the conversations I had with different people on this subject. This is an open conversation, written in the voice of the subjects, so you can take your own conclusions from it. I completely understand that it’s not going to be everyone’s “cup of tea”, so let’s get into it.

Pat, Female, 28, UK, Single

People assume because I’m a virgin I’ll be judgemental so I tend to say I’m celibate rather than I’m a virgin.

In virginity people assume I haven’t been sexual at all. Initially there was no sexual activity on the cards but now I have to trust the person before I let myself be vulnerable because I can’t trust their level of self control.

When I decided I wanted to wait till marriage, it was out of the fear of getting pregnant and becoming a single mum but as I grew older I developed my own personal relationship with God and understood the reasons why He asked us to wait till marriage. Also, you can see through the bullshit when sex is removed from the equation. Sex means a lot to me but other people may not hold the same value. You wanna sleep with me? Give me your last name. Figure yourself out before you come and offer me sex.

Pros:

• No pregnancy scares.
• Being able to be more objective with your relationships because the focus is finding more ways of intimacy, looking at all the red and green flags, not blinded by the D.
• Less guilt — the regret keeps me in check.

Cons:

• Konji na bastard.
• It shrinks the already small dating pool — there are some good men out there BUT they require sex.
• Guys don’t want to be saddled with girls with no experience.

Advice: With everything in life if you’re going somewhere it’s important to have people on the same journey who can genuinely relate with your circumstance so you can encourage one another.

Stan, Male, 32, Male, Ireland, Single

Celibacy is not a lack of opportunity it’s a conscious decision. I was in a sexually active relationship previously, even as a Church boy, but I came to a place where I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do.

I’m not a fan of reckless sex anyway. Sex is sweet and meant to be with someone you love. I struggled with kissing and touching a lot — it’s tough because I always thought of kissing as not a sin. I stopped having sex because I want to honor God. Not having sex gives me the opportunity to explore other ways of intimacy.

People don’t understand the meaning of soul ties. It’s very deep. I have fallen a few times but we move. I don’t believe in self control because without God, you’re the devil. The absence of God is flesh! Be prayerful so you can be God conscious.

Nowadays girls are looking for Pastors that can do legwork 😂. Celibacy is tough but it’s worth it. You get used to it after a while. Sex before the appointed time defiles you, makes you dirty! Physical contact kills celibacy faster than anything so we have to cut out all contact.

Pros:

• Waiting for sex is a sign of respect. It means you love a woman enough to see her past sexual activities.
• It helps your spiritual life because you are using your body to glorify God. Sin is a hindrance. You pray to God undefiled and it’s the purest form of worship. When you pray with your partner without sex there’s a higher level of intimacy.

Cons:

• It has to be mutual or else it’ll be a strain on the relationship.
• You have to love your partner even if the sex is bad when you get married.
• One is prone to masturbation and it kills the whole purpose of celibacy.
• Sex is a “see finish” something. You quarrel with a girl today and she’ll say it’s because you’ve seen her naked.

Advice: Know why you’re celibate. The reason/motive keeps you going, especially in a world that doesn’t glorify celibacy. It’s a great way to honour God with your body. Celibacy is bigger than your partner and yourself!

Kike, Female, 27, UK, Single

I want magnificent sex and I feel like if I wait I’ll get it. All the sex I’ve indulged in has done absolutely nothing for me. I want to feel wholeness. I’m tired of explaining my wants to different people.

I don’t like the label associated with celibacy so I won’t say I’m celibate, I’m just not having sex at the moment. Every time I’ve just felt like I’ve had meaningless sex and I feel like every time I had sex, something was taken away from me. Having sex is a lot deeper than what a lot of people think. The same way I’m giving is the same way I’m receiving and I’m not ready to receive bad energy at the moment. I feel like every time I’ve had sex it was meant to fill a void and I want to feel whole by myself first before I go on an have sex again.

When you make a conscious decision to stop having sex it shouldn’t be difficult and it’s definitely worth it. It also depends on your journey and experience. When I finally meet someone I really like I’ll have to make the decision whether or not to have sex with them. They need to be worth it!

Pros:

• Working on contentment and gratitude as well as being whole with myself — I’ve made progress on this journey. There’s a great feeling of knowing who you are before sharing yourself with others.
• Less drama — if you’re not sleeping around you won’t get fucked over.
• The quality of people you meet is different so when I meet people who only want sex it’s automatically a NO because I’m not having sex at the moment. It heightens your sense of discernment. If your blood is not hot, you can focus. I feel more empowered and clear headed.

No CONS!

Advice: Whether or not you want to be celibate you need to ask why you are doing it. Question your reasons for doing it. The decisions that come after will make it a more worthwhile journey.

Nick, Male, 31, UK, In a relationship

I am celibate primarily because I am a Christian in a Christian relationship and we both believe in honouring God in our relationship and this is one of the ways we have decided to do it.

The struggle for me is bringing the experiences from my past sexually active relationships into this current one. My first relationship ended with her sleeping with someone else because I refused sex so I found myself having sex in the next relationship (even though I didnt want to), in order to avoid having being cheated on. Because of these past experiences, in my current relationship I have allowed room for whatever my partner wants so if she changes her mind about celibacy today, I will have to support her.

If the “why” is shared, then celibacy is worth it, if not it feels like trying to live up to someone else’s standard which is just BAGGAGE!

Celibacy does not mean that your sex life in marriage will be fantastic, it just means that you love the person enough to WAIT!

Pros:

• Celibacy helps us spiritually, it’s an act of worship and reverence for God, it’s an act of sacrifice and it helps us to advance in faith.
• It helps us to build willpower and discipline.
• It unites us because it is a common goal. We are working towards something that we want to achieve together, so we feel stronger and stronger everyday knowing we are in this together.

Cons:

• There is a risk that the relationship gets to a point where sex is the one thing that will help you get to the next level, so it may stall the relationship because you cannot create that bond.
• People get creative with what is sex and what is not. We have to deliberately stay away from each other to avoid temptation.
• If it isn’t mutually agreed on, and one person feels like they are doing it for the other, there might be resentment as someone is being deprived of something and this is where cheating happens.
• At the individual level, not exploring sexuality in your relationship.
• You run the risk of getting into marriage and finding out you are not sexually compatible.

Advice:

• Be very clear on the why. Don’t jump on the bandwagon.
• Ensure that there’s mutual conviction in order to avoid resentment.
• Be mindful not to stifle what could be excellent chemistry. Romanticism and sexuality are core parts of what could make a great relationship e.g. give a kiss on the cheek here and there.
• Communicate through this, it shouldn’t feel like a burden — allow the other person to express their desire for you without feeling guilty, it helps to dissipate the tension.
• Prepare to meet your partner’s sexual needs in the future, you will not always be celibate — stay healthy, read about men’s health, BE READY!

J [Single] + T [In a relationship], Male, 30, Ireland

T: I am currently in a sexually actively relationship so no I am not celibate at the moment. I have been celibate before because I wanted to be more in control of my body, I didn’t see the importance of sex outside a relationship. Celibacy made me less sexual and caused me to disappoint a lot of women. I was more focused, it made me see past sex. I wasn’t blinded by the sex. My decision making became a lot better. Self control was elevated.

J: I haven’t had sex in a year but I won’t say I am celibate, I’m just not actively searching for sex like I used to. I feel like I’m channelling my energy towards something more productive. I have had way too much sex in my life and it was time to slow down. When it falls on my lap, it has to be worth my time, mentally stimulating. Celibacy gives you the opportunity to be in control of your mind, body and soul, even though I can’t act on sexual attraction.

D+M, Male + Female, Married Couple, 26+27, UK

M: My mother always told me to wait because it’ll be worth it. I also didn’t want to be pregnant. I couldn’t see myself being intimate with anyone until marriage because of my faith. My husband is only my second relationship. The first one happened while I was still in secondary school and it ended because I didn’t see the point of dating if I wasn’t planning on getting married soon.

D: One of the things we were told in the beginning of our relationship was to do it God’s way. We got a word from our Pastor that if we honour God in our relationship, God will honour us and we just wanted to be obedient.

Secondly sex clouds your judgement, I wanted to go in to the relationship with a clear mind, I wanted to think objectively. Purity is key to keeping a clear mind.

We both got married as virgins. I had previous sexual activity but not actual penetration so it was tough to subside those feelings and be completely celibate.

Initially we were not kissing. It became tough when we started kissing but we only did it in public. We were also long distance for a while so when we finally saw each other we wanted to give it all to each other. We had to figure out the hours we saw each other because we were unguarded. Being long distance most of the relationship helped. I don’t know how people who see each other more often handle celibacy.

Pros:

• You have a clear mind. You can think with your brain instead of your sexual parts.
• Also, we have now become one so anytime he does something wrong I feel a lot more hurt and I don’t know how I would have handled this if we were having sex before the marriage.
• The mystery — you have something to look forward to.
• I didn’t have to worry about pregnancy and I could focus on achieving other things. Sex brings a lot of unnecessary emotions.

Cons:

• Pain — as a virgin it’s taken months to get used to having sex. The learning process is frustrating as you’re getting used to sexual activities. I feel like the more you wait the more painful sex will be. It would have been much easier if we didn’t have to wait so long. I had so many expectations so it wasn’t really everything I fantasised about. In reality, ecstasy takes a long time to get to.
• When you have sexual problems you have problems in other areas which further contribute to sexual problems. If you’re not celibate pre-marriage you’re carrying in more baggage than you need to.
• In the short term, waiting is frustrating especially when you’re emotionally intimate with your partner especially at NIGHT when your defences are lower.
• It’s extremely inconvenient because we have to maintain boundaries. You can’t be alone with your partner all the time and these limitations don’t make the relationship very enjoyable. It requires more than just physical sacrifice — it’s expensive too.

Advice: Celibacy should only be done with internal conviction. It’s important for you and your partner to be aligned. You need to communicate and verbally agree on boundaries. You need to be accountable to mentors as well, people that will keep you in check.

From the sexually active virgin to the abstinent non-Christians, these individuals with different circumstances had a lot to say about deliberately staying away from pre-marital sex. We have established that it’s not for everybody. The unifying message here however, is FOCUS ON YOUR “WHY”. When there is a clear goal and an agreement between both parties, you’re good to go.